I am seeing this gorgeous, tall, dark and handsome guy. In the looks department he is just my type. He has a great job, is marriage minded and has been very sweet with me. I have one pet peeve and I’m wondering if I’m being too picky or if this is something I should keep an eye on. We’ve been out for dinner four times now and he has been consistently rude to every waiter or waitress who has served us. He cuts them off, rolls his eyes or asks them to speak faster or get to the point. He got pretty intense once. I mean, in his defense, the service was horrible. The restaurant was overbooked, we had to wait an hour so he gave the poor waiter an attitude and then gave him a two dollar tip on $250.00 meal. He said he is a very generous tipper (which I’ve seen with my own two eyes) but won’t tip for bad service. It wasn’t the waiter’s fault, rather the restaurant’s fault. I don’t know. Do I quit dating a guy I am super attracted to and who treats me really well because he is rude to waiters? If I am 100% honest, I am scared to talk about my concerns with him.
Rachel R.

 

Dear Rachel,

Thank you for writing in!!  Being rude to a waiter is a red flag in my book. Let’s take a look at what being rude to a waiter might mean…
1. Your tall, dark and handsome guy doesn’t view this waiter as worthy of basic dignity and respect. The eye rolling, condescending remarks…. Come on! What did this waiter ever do to him? Clearly, this is all about your man and not the waiter.
2. This is a chance for him to feel superior and flash his feathers, like a peacock. He may be trying to impress you with his false sense of machismo. If this is how he tries to impress you, I’m concerned what he may reveal as he becomes more comfortable with you. This is your man on his best behavior!
3. He lacks the insight and awareness to wonder or care if his behavior is making you uncomfortable.
4. If he treats the waiter this way, I can 99.9% guarantee you that he treats other people in his life this way as well.
5. What worries and embarrasses you now, four dates in, will turn into anger and resentment down the road.
As for you, you are not being too picky. You are being incredibly level headed and your intuition is spot on! That little voice inside your head that is nagging at you, “Rachel, this isn’t right. I don’t have a good feeling about this”, don’t ignore it. This voice is trying to tell you something. I’m so glad you shared your 100% honest truth at the end of your e-mail which is that you are scared to talk to him about this. While completely normal, I would say that you have some work to do on yourself regardless of which man you are dating. I feel some shy or insecure quality in you that so many women possess. I wonder what it is that prevents you from expressing your feelings and needs honestly and directly. I would like to reframe the situation for a moment. You can view this as an opportunity to practice speaking up for yourself. If Mr. T,D and H can’t handle it, and has some kind of negative or derogatory reaction, then good riddance! You don’t need the baggage he would promise to carry into your life. You can’t lose. Speaking up about something that concerns you is a non-negotiable in any relationship you find yourself in. Inside every woman is a superwoman! A man should not back your superwoman into a corner. He should love her and encourage her to come out!
Here is something your superwoman might say to this guy. “ I really like you, however I have a concern that has been bothering me. When we are out at restaurants, I can’t help but notice the way you treat the waiters. The eye rolling, the condescension, telling the waiter to get to the point. I believe it is important to treat everyone the right way. I am not comfortable with it but I’m glad we’re talking about it now.” My intuition tells me to navidate you away from Mr. T,D and H into the arms of a real superman; patient, kind and secure.

Sincerely,
Jennifer Mann, Navidater